There is a moment every person remembers whether you talk about it or not. A moment when you said how you felt, and someone told you, or yelled at you, that they didn't care about your feelings. What you thought, doesn't matter. Or they said, "Who cares what you think!"
Maybe they didn't yell. Maybe they just ignored you. Maybe you've had to overcome low self-worth because there were people close to you who didn't value you, your heart, your thoughts, or anything else you did or did not do.
Maybe no one said, "I love you." Maybe physical touch was either something that was harsh, or non-existent. Maybe they showed "love" in odd ways, and you learned to believe love is abusive.
These moments that shaped us early do not often stay in the past. They might be buried, filed away, hoping to never be pulled out again. The file cabinets that are located in a dark, cobweb filled basement, with one small light bulb dangling from a wire that you hope not to hit on your way to the file drawers. You don't want to know what's down there. What you put away hoping to never see again.
Until one day, somebody says the exact same words, and you're triggered again into that small boy or girl who thought that was laid to rest.
Maybe it's a photo you come across, of family that shared memories together, except you're not in the photo. Everyone seems so happy together, without you.
If this feels like you, I want you to know something. You are the light. You are the thing that made others uncomfortable. They put you away, shamed you, bullied you because there was something about your LIGHT that made them uncomfortable. They didn't want to see their files, and you, being the beautiful spirit you are, would be naturally shining just as you are and they couldn't deal with it. You exposed their weaknesses. You might still be exposing them without even trying, just by being you. It's not your fault. You are not the reason they hate you, or dislike being around you, or talk badly about you to your face or behind your back.
As an adult, if this touched something for you, you DO have a choice to step away from this type of behavior around you. If your light TODAY is too much for others, too bright and too confronting, you might be triggering them in a similar way as when you were young. And when that happens, find your backbone. As a 38-year-old, find that back bone and stand up straight. No one, no human, no adult or child deserves to be treated with disdain or disrespect.
At a point in time, hopefully, you will find the courage to say, "no more" and stand up for the little boy or girl you once were and have now become and say this is not okay for me anymore. We can't perpetually agree to allow abuse without considering that at some point we can no longer be victims if we allow it. Remember, you are the LIGHT. Heal the light if it has a crack in it. If it's dimming, repair it.
I wasn't planning to go off on a tangent about abuse in this reflection, yet the title for the episode that aired on September 10th was originally, "Beyond Being Seen or Heard, You Are Valuable" and I changed it to lead with "You're Valuable" because you need to know, YOU MATTER.
So many people will agree to participate in the popularity contest. And this places people in competition with one another. This fosters abuse if someone hates to lose. There is no winning with competition because someone must lose, and how does that help humanity move forward? It doesn't.
The bottom line is that whether you go into the dark basement and look up your file or not, you can start today with or without your memories and say, "Enough is enough, I matter!" You know what it's like to be left out. You know how it feels when you're the butt of the joke. If someone has ever started a rumor about you that wasn't true, you know how it felt. If you're not popular on Instagram, or don't have a million views, anywhere, it doesn't mean you don't matter. Just because no one knows your name, doesn't mean you don't matter to at least one person. And that's the drop in the ocean. A single drop doesn't need more drops to ripple out and make a difference. You make a difference just by being here.
Your existence matters. It's why you were born. You have a purpose. Maybe today you will stop negotiating with your feelings and start speaking up for yourself. Maybe you will just choose silence, to remove yourself, and focus on your own light.
Whether your light is seen publicly or not, you matter. Check in with yourself today. That little light of yours wants to shine. At the very least shine for yourself. Follow YOUR dreams. Follow what feels good. Trust that you deserve to feel good, to feel peace in your body, and to love your life.
Listen to the latest episode, "You're Valuable, Seen or Unseen" wherever you get your podcasts, or watch it on YouTube @LisaEve.
Written with love,
Lisa Eve