Two eves before my 49th birthday, I had this feeling: Wow. I finally know who I am.
It’s been a long and enduring road to get here. There were so many times I felt like I wanted to die, to take myself out earlier. As a teenager, when I finally got my license, I did things that were less minded. I’m sure my friends were a bit petrified to ride in the car with me.
Yet, when moments came for me to “go there,” I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t do it.
Even the night I overdosed on Ecstasy and alcohol, when my eyes rolled back in my head and I “saw the light,” I told Source, or God, or whoever was there with me at the crossover, I’m not ready. I have life to live. I don’t want to leave like this.
Same thing when I took too many mushrooms and drank mushroom tea in Jamaica. I vowed never to do drugs again. The feeling of being “high” felt very low, and I truly did not like it.
I often wanted my life to look like something out of a magazine or a fairy tale. It was far from that. I had many struggles, being bullied and picked on in school, feeling like an “ugly duckling,” not having true friends, not understanding how to have true friends, and not understanding school either.
College was something we were told we needed to do to make it in the world, to impress parents, elders, society, and potential employers. To show that we had enough smarts to go to college and graduate with a degree in something other than partying.
I’m grateful my parents supported me through that time. Still, college felt like a microcosm of the world; people will like you, people will hate you, and often, none of it will have to do with you. It was one of the hardest seasons of my life. I often wished I had a car so I could drive off campus and never return. Maybe that’s why I took a full year to study abroad, hoping for something different.
Unfortunately, wherever you go, there you are, and that time brought its own lessons too. I experienced friendship, betrayal, and danger all at once, even moments that could have ended my life. My dad was incredibly helpful and actually saved me from flunking out of school. Looking back, I see how those experiences kept asking me to recognize my value and not take life for granted.
Honestly, I still feel for those kids who have college debt, because what you’re basically paying for is a piece of paper that says, Okay, give me a job that’s more than minimum wage.
I wanted to be a model, to fly around the world, to walk runways. Take my photo, and make me beautiful. Let other people see me as beautiful. Let them think I’ve “made it.” While still feeling insecure inside.
Who else didn’t enjoy those younger years that felt confusing and hard?
For all the times I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore, when it came down to it, I didn’t want to leave this Earth without doing the fun stuff. I knew I needed more joy, and I wasn’t ready to leave until I allowed myself the pleasure that comes with that joy, to feel unconditional love for myself.
In all honesty, I’ve felt more at home in the last few months than even at 45. Maybe it has to do with my father’s passing and the healing I’ve gone through since. The awareness, the freedom, the pain, the anger, the sadness. No more feeling like I had to be a father-pleaser or a people-pleaser. A deeper discernment now of what’s truly worth my time and energy.
At some point, I realized I no longer needed to perform for someone to like me or love me. It was time I started looking after myself in a way I had never considered before.
Enter compassion.
Up until this time, I was very hard on myself. I didn’t know what compassion was, not for me, not for you.
Now, I take better care of myself. I don’t string along men because I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t do things because others expect me to, or because it’s their idea of the “right thing to do,” or because I feel their pull on my energy.
I can pause and discern: Is this right for me? Do I want to do this? rather than saying yes or no automatically.
I listen to my intuition more now. It’s my holy grail. It guides me in everything I do. When I hear, It’s time to go, I go.
I used to travel with longing. Traveling solo for more than a decade can be lonely. I felt despair at times. Will I ever meet “the one”? Will I ever travel with aligned friends who respect our individual needs and enjoy time together? Who can split the bill, share a bed without snoring, and sleep at the same temperature?
I used to sit at bars because it was easier to chat with the bartender than eat at a table where couples stared at me.
Sometimes a lovely older couple would invite me to join them, curious about the beautiful young woman traveling alone. What does she do? How does she do it? These dinners were often more like interviews than friendships. On one of my last trips, an older husband was convinced I was CIA.
I travel to live. I live to travel. I travel to heal, and I heal while traveling. It’s my way of staying connected with the world.
And finally, on this trip, I don’t feel that loneliness anymore. I feel free. I love my own company. I can sit by myself in silence, listening to the trees and birds, watching the animals peck at water and plants.
I talk to the water, the air, the wind. I feel part of the larger cosmos. The crow that flew over me and settled on the branch above my head feels like it has a message for me. When I walk on the beach and a large feather appears in my path, I greet it with gratitude. When the wind blows it gently to land at my feet, I know it’s a gift for me.
It’s these little and big gestures from nature and the universe that let me know I’m connected. I was never not connected. I just wasn’t aware before.
Now, with compassion, I’m more aligned to see all the gifts around me.
Maybe my life didn’t start until 48. But I’m writing this to tell you, it gets easier. Sometimes I’ve wondered if I even want to live to 80, 90 or beyond, yet what if I did, and what if I had fun all those years? What if it could feel like pure joy?
As I stepped into The Wisdom Channel™ and began flowing with the nudges to be more vocal, it felt like I finally aligned with my purpose. I let go of the fear and spoke. Social media began to feel fun. Writing posts no longer felt like a chore. Writing these articles, blog posts, reviews, and reflections feels right. I have so much to say and share.
Don’t we all? Why keep it all to ourselves? How does that help anyone?
Right now, I’m sitting at a table in the Maldives at 7:56 a.m., listening to the waves and the leaves softly rustling against each other with the light breeze as we approach the full moon apex, the full moon right before my 49th birthday.
I am grounded.
I am grateful.
Let’s do this.
My natural nails are the longest I’ve ever seen them. I used to bite them and pick at them when they were too long. Now, I simply file them when I feel that urge. I still have much to learn, because sometimes I catch myself biting my cuticles when the energy feels too intense. It makes me wonder, how can I fully embrace all of me without biting away at myself?
I’ve stopped drinking alcohol. I keep my fingers and toes natural, with no polish. I do my best to use natural hair and skin products, and to drink and eat more fruits and vegetables. It really is a process of refinement, from the outside to the inside.
Life could begin before 45, or even at 40. Don’t let my journey define yours. I wanted to share this with anyone who has struggled to understand why they are here, or who has ever wondered, When will it get easier?
I’m not sure what you have in store for you, or when it will be your time to leave Earth, but one thing is for sure: you are contributing to life and to our planet, even if you don’t think so. Your energy reverberates through the atmosphere like a drop of water ripples out on the sea.
Wherever you are on your path, thank you.
With love and reverence,
Lisa Eve
